Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize