dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
