my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize