Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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