Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
