I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
