Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
