I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
