I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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