i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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