In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
