I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
