i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Found the puke drawer
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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