I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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