I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
