I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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