I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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