I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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