So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
