he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
