What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
