I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can't put those talents on a resume
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
