I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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