life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
