True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
