I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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