Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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