The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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