Welp...herpes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
