Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
