you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
