My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
