so that wasnt chicken after all
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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