I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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