I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
