you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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