You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
