I wish I could punch you in the face.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
