Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
