I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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