When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
