Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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