You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
