I accidentally had phone sex last night
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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