I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
