I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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