Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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