Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
