come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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