So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
