He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
