If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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