Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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