i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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