i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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