My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
