the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
