My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
