i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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