Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
